Date: Mon, 12 Jan 1998 04:12:24 -0500
From: Rik Brooks
To: Sharon Buntz
<<REAL Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food. >>
I switched to Diet Coke after having to fill too many cavities. Coffee is also allowed, as long as it's a flavored gormet brand. In fact, my coffee cup never has a chance to cool off.
<<REAL Programmers' programs NEVER work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working order in 'only a few' 30 hour debugging sessions.>>
I've NEVER written a program that works RIGHT. I always have to let it go before I'm satisfied with it.
<<REAL Programmers don't write in BASIC, Visual BASIC , RPG, COBOL, FORTRAN, PL/1, APL, LISP, PASCAL, BLISS, or ADA>>
Real programmers know nothing about most of those languages and very little about the others... other than the fact that real programmers don't use them.
<<REAL Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any programs at all.>>
Wait a second, MANAGERS write the specs... I ignore them.
<<REAL Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.>>
I program THROUGH lunch unless I can eat it while I'm programming (see TWINKIES)
<<REAL Programmers never 'write' memos on paper. They 'send' memos via E-MAIL.>>
Paper is for doodling while I'm dreaming up my next paradigm shaking innovation.
<<REAL Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in microwave ovens.>>
Microwave popcorn takes 3.75 minutes to pop and you have to give it your exclusive attention to make sure that it doesn't scorch. I don't give me COMPUTER my exclusive attention, much less a microwave.
<<REAL Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course, THEY are the Project Leader.>>
If they aren't the team leader then the project is doomed anyway.
<<REAL Programmers don't drive rusted out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns or pickup trucks with floor shifters. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.>>
I drive a luxury Buick. Big enough that if you slam into me I can still ignore it. I don't have time to wait at a body shop.
<<REAL Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers 'firm up' schedules. Frightened coders strive to 'meet' schedules.>>
The only time that I even consider schedules is to tell managers that their schedule is wrong.